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Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Time:2:39 pm.
I posted a while ago about how a few months ago I went a little bit crazy. After I had realized that, I realized that I had shut down and stopped dealing with anything. I think I may have said something to that effect. Now, I am making myself feel again. And it lets the bad crazy out a little bit here and there, which I try to only let happen around people that know me well enough to deal with it without running away screaming. This has worked out reasonably well, for the most part... though I have accidentally let a little of the bad crazy out on someone who doesn't know me very well, and I feel really bad about that.

Feeling is... difficult. Most days, I'm great, and fine, and laughing and generally in a great mood. Some days... i can't even describe why, just everything hits me and I break down. I had a minor mental breakdown at a friend's house a while ago, and he was great... though the cat side of me hated letting him see me be weak. Haha. I had days where I'm sitting and chatting and being fine at home alone, then the walls start closing in and I start cleaning so that I am *doing* something and not just sitting in a corner crying, though sometimes that happens, too.

I don't... understand this. I mean, I know there was a lot that happened all at once. It's not fair, but it's also not the first time I have experienced loss. I don't understand why it is so very difficult, except maybe that I was closer to the people and things involved. Maybe that's all... too much, too connected, too close. Though there are other people who went through the same or worse than I, and they seem to be fine by now. Of course, to most people I probably seem fine, too. Lol. I don't know how to get better. Honestly, I don't, though I think I am doing it. If someone were to ask me how I was dealing with everything, I wouldn't be able to answer them. It's all internal, and I cannot analyze it close enough to put it into words.

As I said before, most days I'm great. It's just random days that everything closes in and I question my sanity again. Lol. Though I do question my intelligence on other matters, sometimes.

One day at a time. And don't run from things that might be good, just because you're afraid that since similar things didn't work out before the same thing will happen this time.
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Thursday, March 24th, 2011

Time:1:22 pm.
A few months ago I went a little bit crazy. I'm realizing now just how crazy I actually went. I had a lot of trauma happen in a very short amount of time, and most of that was very tragic. And I... stopped. I withdrew from life, and wasn't dealing with anything. There were a few people that I withdrew from, too, and I'm sorry if you were one of those people.

I'm a little bit of the bad crazy, but I'm slowly getting better, I think.

Today I'm a little crazy and heartsore.
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Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Subject:People anger me.
Time:4:07 pm.
People need to stop judging me.
I am not some terrible person... some bitch that is taking advantage of her friend that lost her husband four months ago. I'm not.

People have apparently been judging me... people I don't even know. Thinking I'm living here with Bethaney for nothing, taking advantage of her and bumming off her. Her dad alluded to thinking that I don't do enough here, so he needs to move in and take up my slack. He apparently said something about me not working on the house... meaning the floors that HE said HE was going to do. As if I knew how to do that, anyway.

Of course, nothing is said to me directly. I don't even know most the people that think I'm such a terrible human. They haven't met me. They haven't been over here and seen the house.

Nevermind the fact that I cook almost every night. I clean the house probably more than they do. I help take care of Bridget. 90 percent of my food stamps go to the house food. I babysit whenever she needs me to, sometimes when she doesn't. I get up early to drive the teenager to Lake Stevens for her. I do everything I can possibly think of to earn my keep, and make life easier on her. I paid her literally every last dollar I could afford for rent out of my unemployment. It wasn't as much as I wanted to be giving her, but the deal was I'd pay her more when I got a job. Oh and hey, guess what? I GOT A JOB. I wasn't sitting on my ass doing nothing.

Bethaney and I talked a lot about this situation before I even moved down here. Hell, JESSE and I talked a lot about it, too. We worked out something that would work for all of us. Bethaney is happy with the situation, and that's what is important. She has told me before that it's a great thing that I moved in, because if I hadn't, it's entirely possible that she (and possibly Blue, as well) would be on suicide watch right now. So there's another thing I'm here for. I'm helping with her sanity. I keep her socialized. I don't let her completely hide under the bed with her tail over her eyes, pretending the world doesn't exist.

And also... when she lost her husband, I lost a close friend. The next month, I lost my cousin. There have been other deaths, too. So being here is good for me, too. We can support each other when we can't do it ourselves.

But I shouldn't have to be defending myself, and certainly not to people I don't even know. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it really, really hurt. Especially because I constantly think that maybe I don't do enough, even though she's constantly thanking me for doing so much, and apologizing for not doing much, herself.

I'm so angry, and I'm so hurt.
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Sunday, November 7th, 2010

Time:11:00 pm.
It's odd how people grieve. It comes in waves... one moment, one day, one week, I'm fine, then the next, I'm falling to pieces. Then back to being numb... And so on. I know that it's because the human psyche can't really handle everything all at once, so it breaks it up into manageable bits... or however you want to describe it. I wish I could just take it all at once, and be done with it. I'm so tired of this roller coaster... I don't know how to handle it.

The other night, I had my first night home alone (and only the second night sober (I'll get to that in a second)) in a week. The walls started closing in, and I just... fell to pieces. In that moment, I honestly didn't think I could handle everything. It scares me. I've never been in a position where I didn't feel like I could handle something.

When Robbie first passed away, I knew I couldn't handle it all right then. Neither could my cousin Josh. Since he and I were both up at my mom's, we proceeded to spend the next 4-5 days drunk and playing a computer game. When he was sleeping (I didn't sleep a lot... still don't), I was focused on working on Trent's Halloween costume. Even then, there was a day that I broke down in front of the sewing machine. I normally make it a point to not drink when I am upset or depressed, but I needed to hide from the world for a while. It was, and still is, too much.

I made a new friend, and as we've only had a few conversations, I didn't want to burden him with the knowledge of all of these deaths, recently. It didn't seem like something I should bring up in the first few conversations with someone. I finally told him, though, because in our conversations, I kept having to allude to something unhappy happening in my recent past. I felt like it was starting to become this big nebulous secret, which it isn't. So I explained to him why I hadn't really said anything, and told him in as short of terms possible what happened. He asked me how I was still functioning. Honestly, I don't even know. I am functioning because... I must. Because even though all I want to do is hole up in my room and do nothing... I know that if I do that, I probably won't come out of it.

Right now maybe isn't the best time for me to be dating... but I am trying to focus on the positives of life, and look to the future. I can't allow myself to get stuck, because I'm afraid I won't become unstuck. But every time I'm alone... I feel my heart breaking all over again.

I don't know how to do this. This is too much.
I miss them all, with my entire being.
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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

Time:10:19 pm.
So. Following putting my cat down in August, my friend Jesse passing away in September, I have yet another one to report. Just the icing on the cake.

My cousin Robert Holden passed away on October 27th. It was... very tragic, the way it happened. It's also not something I really want to explain online. But if you want to know, I will tell you. Robbie was more like an older brother or an uncle to me... he lived with us for a time when I was little, and I have so many wonderful memories of him. He's always been a bright spot in my life.

I've been hiding from the world since it happened. I'll eventually get around to dealing with it. For now, however, it is too much, and I can't handle it right now.
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Sunday, October 10th, 2010

Time:12:59 pm.
*sigh* oh but how I hate girl brain. "I don't really want to be with you, but I don't want you to be with anyone else. But I kind of think you're with this one person, and I want you to be happy. But I don't really want you to be with this person. But I don't want to be with you."

... How does that even BEGIN to make sense? It doesn't. It drives me crazy.
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Friday, September 24th, 2010

Time:10:00 pm.
I believe that it is out there. The person I am looking for, the life that I want. I believe it is out there. And screw you if you say that the type of person I'm looking for doesn't exist. It does. I've seen it. And I will find it for myself. I will not just settle. I can't... I can't *not* believe that what I want so badly doesn't exist for me. How is that fair? Yes yes, life isn't fair... but I have to believe it's there. Because if I don't, I don't know what to believe in, and I feel like I'm cheating myself.

Why do people feel like they have to crush your hopes and dreams? Yes, I am young, but I have seen life. Not all of it, no. But I have loved, I have lost. I have dealt with death, and I have seen life brought into the world. I have stood by and watched people destroy themselves, and I have helped people fight past difficulties to arise a stronger person. I have watched relationships thrive and fail, and I have forged friendships that will last through the ages, as well as lost some that were devastating to lose.

I know how life can be. I know that a lot of the time, things do not work out as you had hoped, or planned. I know that it is difficult to make life go as you wish. However, just because you have become jaded for whatever reason doesn't mean that I have to settle. You don't have to tell me that my knight in shining armor doesn't exist, because maybe he does. I believe he does. Just because someone else settled doesn't mean I have to. Sure, realistically I know that the *perfect* person I am looking for may not come around. That's ok, I don't need someone that is the perfect anything... I don't look for perfection. Everyone has their flaws and I am willing to accept and work around some of them. That doesn't mean that the person I want for myself isn't out there.

I am still kind of crazy over... everything, right now. I'm on this weird roller coaster where one minute I'm great and happy and everything is shiny, and the next moment I'm sobbing over nothing. I know this is normal, what with my two monumental losses and everything else recently. It doesn't mean it doesn't annoy me less. I get a headache, or a friend gets a headache, and I get irrationally paranoid. That will pass. I have been very introspective lately, and much more defensive about life and what it holds for me. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. I don't know. But I hold on to the details that I can control, because there is so much spinning crazily out of control that sometimes I feel I can't hold on to it all. So I focus on the things that I *can* control so that I continue moving forward.

Things are slowly working out. I've told the boy-thing that went crazy in my life that he was the least of my problems, and that really, I wasn't falling for him and didn't need his crazy right now. Maybe that's mean, but it needed to be said and I was done with the crazy, in the face of everything else. He and I are ok, and we're really great friends, so that's better. I have a place to live in a week, and I can stay there as long or as short as I need to. I got approved for unemployment, and I have a possible in on a job. So yes, things are slowly working out, because I am making them do so.

So yes. I will find what I want out of life. I am optimistic like that. Not only am I optimistic, but I am driven, and strong willed, and when I want something, I will make it happen. I don't expect life to give me hand outs. If it happens, great. But mostly, I make my own way. And that is why I believe I will find what I want. I refuse to settle for anything less, and screw you for trying to bring it down. I'm dealing with enough shit already.
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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Time:4:04 pm.
I walk into a new halloween store downtown to look around at what they have. I walk downstairs to the adult size costumes. We're all wandering around just looking at everything, not seriously at all.... and the worker directs me to the plus size section of the store. *sigh* I know I'm plus size. I don't need to be told that by a halloween store clerk.
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Time:11:19 am.
I need to get out of this headspace I've been in. It isn't healthy, and it certainly isn't helping all the other complications in my life right now.

I've felt on the verge of tears since last night, and I have no real reason why.

I think it's mostly me trying not to become overwhelmed. But in addition to that I'm in this headspace where I've got girlbrain going on--feeling fat and unattractive, not good enough, like I'm screwing everything up... maybe my move isn't the best idea, yadda yadda yadda.

Last night my brain was going in circles and circles... I don't even know half the stuff I thought about, but I do know that whenever I caught myself thinking something like one of those things up there, I would give myself a mental slap and tell myself to snap out of it, and quit feeling sorry for myself. It didn't necessarily work. I don't know where this came from... two weeks ago I was fantastic. I felt good, and I was in a great spot in my life. I was entering a new chapter in my life, and feeling great about it. Then everything exploded into complications, and I got really stressed. Things are slowly working themselves out, though, and I was starting to be less stressed and every day was a little better. Last night, though, suddenly and completely randomly I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of... I don't even know what. I just felt like crying, and just really... melancholy. That's not even all of it, but I cannot articulate everything that I'm feeling right now.

Mostly it is probably me stressing about my move (still not knowing exactly where I'm going, but at least I have options now and won't end up living in my car), work, and becoming overwhelmed with all the unknowns.

*sigh* I'm gonna walk downtown. Maybe I can get myself out of this headspace.
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Friday, September 10th, 2010

Time:3:08 pm.
I don't know where I'm going to live. I was going to be moving in to an extra room in Jesse and Bethany's house, but now that Jesse has passed... I don't know what's going to happen. I totally understand if Bethany doesn't want me to move in, now... though I don't know if she'll want or even need me to move in to help with money and the baby. I haven't talked to her yet... and I have to figure this out in the next week or so, because if she doesn't want me to, I have to somehow figure something else out. Though I don't know if I'll be able to even get a hold of her. Ugh. Stress.
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Subject:Jesse Lee Dukellis
Time:2:31 pm.
A close friend of mine passed away yesterday. All I know is that he went into to hospital with a migraine and a fever, and went into cardiac arrest shortly after. He leaves behind his wonderful wife and baby daughter.

I spent yesterday going through bouts of crying uncontrollably and being in a state of numb shock. It is unreal. Jesse lived such a loud and boisterous life I cannot reconcile that fact that such a bright and wonderful soul has now passed in such a quiet manner. I was talking with some friends yesterday, and we spoke of how indestructible he was. We would have expected him to go from something epic... say, base jumping from the Eiffel Tower (which he talked about) or protecting his wife and child from the forces of darkness or small zombie army... or creating a small zombie army. Someone brought up the mental image of him constructing a hang glider right now so he can fly over the river Styx (because he's not stupid enough to try and swim it, though he did love his swimming). He would do it, too. Just because he could... and with his ten dollar grappling hook.

The things that I remember most about him are his huge grin, his silly high pitched laugh he would do, and his gigantic bear hugs he would always give me. His greetings of "Hey sweetie" or "hey sugar nips", and how no matter what he always made me feel good about myself. How he was always, always there for me, even before we really knew each other that well.

I think what kills me most is that his daughter will never have the opportunity to know him. I expected to one day get the call saying "Kara, I need you to come pick me, Kevin, and Bridgette up at this location... I can't explain right now..." Ha. She will hear stories of his epic adventures, but I wish with all my heart that she could have known him.

I will miss him more than I can ever put into words, and my heart and soul ache for his loss.
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Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Time:2:00 am.
I'm having a difficult time with things as of late. I'm reasonably certain that it's mostly just the stress of my upcoming move that's making me... off. I don't really know how to describe it. I feel like I'm on some kind of roller coaster... one day I'm feeling fantastic about myself and the move and life in general, and then the next I'm feeling fat and ugly and like I can't do anything right. There's a quote from a movie that sometimes seems appropriate... "There's not a lot that I am good at. But I'm good at getting guys to want me. Not date me, or marry me, but want me." I feel like that, sometimes.

There's a guy I'm... seeing, right now. We're not dating... not really, though we kind of act like it. He's doing a soul searching thing, and can't handle any real commitments right now, and with my move and trying to enter a new stage in my life, I'm not, either. He's great, though, and we have a lot of fun together. We both know where we stand, and that's fantastic. He tells me all the time that I'm hot... and most of the time nowadays I have to bite my tongue to keep from asking him why he thinks that. I've gained weight again... obviously though he is attracted to me for some reason, but really... most of the time I just don't see it.

Of course, I know this is just me being retarded and beating up on myself. I'm trying really hard to lose weight and be happier with my physical image. I'm totally secure and happy in who I am as a person, I should be able to do that with the physical side of things, too.

Whenever I set my mind to something, I generally make it happen. That's how I sent myself to Germany. I just need to keep that confidence in mind.
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Monday, August 30th, 2010

Time:2:50 pm.
For some reason today I am having a hard time staying optimistic. I keep thinking to myself things like "how do you think you're going to afford this move? You don't even have a job down there yet. Stop kidding yourself." I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things... but money really is an issue right now... damn part time jobs. And I keep trying to tell myself that yes, I WILL find a job down there, and I WILL make it work. Even if it's not something I want right away... it will be something. When I set my mind to something, I always make it work. And I've set my mind to this.

I have options. I have a place to stay even if I don't have a job right away. I have possible choices for room mates, in various amounts of time.

It will work out.

It may be the headache pounding behind my eyeballs, but it's hard to actually believe that today. I kind of feel like just curling up and giving up. I'm not gonna. I still think the move will be good for me... but part of me wonders how I'm going to make it work. I shouldn't have taken all that time off for camping. It complicated matters.

My goal today was to start going through my stuff and figuring out what I was bringing with me to begin with, what I was loaning to Trent (he has no furniture of his own, so I told him that until I need it again he can borrow some of mine... otherwise it's just going into storage. Might as well get some use out of it), and what is going in to storage that he's not borrowing. I wish I could avoid a storage unit altogether, but I don't think that's an option. I only have limited space in the place I'm going to be at right away, and there's some big things that I won't be able to fit and that Trent won't be wanting to borrow.

I still have a month here, so there's a lot that I can't start packing up... but there is some that I can. It's a matter of figuring out what that sutff is... so I sit here, drinking coffee out of my chicken mug (trying to make my headache go away) and staring despondently at my things...

Sometimes being optimistic is tiring.
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Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

Time:12:06 pm.
Yesterday was... hard. My heart still hurts. A little less than yesterday, but... Well. I cried a lot yesterday, and then I had game, which was good. It helped keep my mind off things, and my gaming group is so crazy that I was laughing so hard. Then I had a friend spend the night and they gave me cuddles and also kept me laughing so I wouldn't think too much about things. I cried a little bit this morning when I saw a bunch of posts on my facebook, but that's ok.

Now, I have to try and get a lot of things done before I leave to go camping tomorrow. Laundry is in the wash. I need to go food shopping, booze (beer and hard a), pick up some batteries, a few other things. I should make a list. I'm gonna forget something otherwise.

I am SO STOKED for this camping trip. It's going to be fantastic. A week of hanging out with friends and close family. Floating down a river. Hiking. YES.
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Monday, August 16th, 2010

Time:10:46 pm.
It's tomorrow, after work. Mom and Tashia are meeting me at the clinic with Kitty. After that, I need to figure out where I'm going to bury him. Or see how much it is to have him cremated and spread his ashes somewhere. I dunno. I can't bury him at mom's, like I'd planned, because she is losing the house. So... I have to find somewhere that I can visit him, and... yeah.

*sigh* I know that this is for the best. Really, I do. He's in pain, he's not eating... it's his time. I understand this. Still, I have to silence a part of my brain that tells me I am killing him.

Ugh, my stomach is all in knots. I doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight.
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Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

Time:11:26 am.
Those of you that read my Facebook already know this, but... it looks as though I'm going to have to put my cat down after the 16th (that's when I'll have the money to do it). I have had this cat for about 20 years, now. He followed me home one day (he was full grown) when I was about four. He's been my baby for pretty much my whole life... he's my familiar, and I cannot begin to describe how the thought of putting him down tears me apart.

It's best for him, though. He's about 24 years old, and I believe he is slightly arthritic. He has incontinence problems... and we have a baby at the house, so we can't really have that happening. Last I saw him, he'd lost a lot of weight... apparently he's not eating as he used to, and he is having troubles keeping anything down. I'm not certain how happy he is with life right now.

I just hope that the one place I've found that I can afford (60 bucks instead of 140 or more) will let me be with him when they put him down.

*sigh* thus is life.

Now I just have to decide if I'm doing it before I go camping, or after.
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Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

Time:1:02 am.
Right. About that whole, writing here more often. Apparently I'm really bad at that. Ha.

Not a lot new in my life, currently. I didn't get the job at IKEA, though I'm still moving to Seattle/area. I have a phone interview on Friday for a line cook position at Swedish Medical Center. Hoping for that one. Would pay more than IKEA, anyway. Haha.

I'm excited about my move. I really really think that it will be a good thing for me, and I have good feelings about it in general.

I absolutely HATE when I say in conversation with someone that I am excited about my move to Seattle, and then some random person pipes in with a comment like "oh, it's going to suck so bad. It's expensive, and you're going to hate it, and etc etc etc". It makes me SO angry. I mean, where the hell do you get off raining on my parade, RIGHT after I got done saying I was excited for my move? I've had friends do the same thing, and it annoys me to no end. Do you think i don't know that it will be expensive? That yes, it will be hard? I know this, and I'm ok with it. I still think it will be good for me, and that's all that matters. Mind your own business.

Grr. Ok.

... Yeah, I think that's all I've got for now. Also, my battery is going to die soon. Loves all!
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Monday, June 28th, 2010

Time:12:23 pm.
I hate the waiting game. I should be hearing about that job I interviewed for sometime this week. Yes yes, I know, patience is a virtue... But it would nice to know if I should be packing. Lol.
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Saturday, June 19th, 2010

Time:4:17 pm.
I've been thinking I want some kind of a GPS navigational system thing for when I move to Seattle. I was thinking maybe I'd start my VZ navigator up again for a little while on my phone, even though it's expensive. However, I was looking today at a tomtom at Best Buy... it might be more money smart to get one of those, since eventually I'd have paid for all of it, whereas the VZ Navigator is a constant month to month payment.

So the next thing I looked at was a way to buy it without having to pay for all of it outright. Best Buy has their credit cards, which if when I sign up for it I spend less than 250, I have 6 months with no interest payments. If I spend 250 or more (in the entire store, not just on the tomtom), it's 18 months no interest, which is slightly better, since with the tomtom I'd already be paying 120ish before tax, and 150ish before tax if I got the geek squad 2 year warranty thing. But... that's 100 dollars more I'd have to spend, on... something. I could spend a little extra and still be cheaper if I got a Wii, which I've wanted for a long time. I'm not sure what I wanna do though. Lol.
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Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

Time:12:01 am.
Well... I'm moving to Seattle. Not sure exactly when... If I get this job I have an interview on Thursday for, then it will be soon. If not, probably the beginning of September.

I have decided that I am starting over, trying to get unstuck, as I have been here for far too long.

I also want to write here more, again. I'm going to try, and we'll see how that goes.
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